Thursday, June 23, 2011

stressed and depressed

Today I feel lousy.  It is only the 2nd time since my surgery that I have felt this bad.  The first time I felt like this it was determined that I was dehydrated and had over worked myself.  It has been very busy at work this week and I have not been able to eat when I needed to.  It is a very delicate line that I walk every day.  I have to eat about every 2 to 3 hours and if I don't, I feel terrible.  I try to plan accordingly, by eating just before I get to work so that I can get through to about 1:00 or 1:30.  Then I can get through til 4:30 for a quick break and by the time I get home I can eat again.  I don't enjoy eating that many times a day, but it is necessary.  When I am unable to stay on schedule my whole system is off and I feel sick.  Just one day of being off will take me 5 or 6 days to recover.  Yesterday there was a period of 5 hours between meals.  By the time I ate I was feeling shaky and weak and I couldn't think straight.  Today I am still feeling weak and I am so tired.  I can't wait til Friday so that I can have a few days of to rest, relax and take care of myself.  I am in need of a long vacation.  The good thing is I can see a light at the end of the tunnel.  We are planning a week in Mackinaw City at the end of July.  I cannot wait!!

Monday, June 13, 2011

Another goal reached

I was nervously awaiting this goal.  The scale was not cooperating.  Truthfully, I was over-anxious and was weighing myself every day.  Sometimes twice a day.  I know this is not what I am supposed to do,  Dr. Fourman told me that I should only weigh myself once a month, but I couldn't help myself!  I was a woman obsessed!  I had a "magic number" in mind and I had to come in just below it.  Yesterday was the day I stepped on the scale and I was 4 pounds under this "magic number"! I was so happy!!  I made it to this goal right in the middle of  graduation partypalooza.

I have been to  several parties since my surgery and I thought it would be very difficult to make it through  them, but honestly it was much easier than I thought it would be.  I think I am finally starting to have the right kind of relationship with food.  I eat to live and I have stopped living to eat.

My next goal is to stop being so nervous about how I am changing.  I am so happy about the way I am changing on the outside, but I am so scared that I am going to lose the person I am on the inside.  I use comedy as a defense mechanism and as a coping mechanism.  I like being the "funny" one, but I am afraid that I will lose my wit and sense of humor.  I remember that in high school I was described as "the happy little fat girl."  I don't know if I am ready to stop being who I am today.  I hope I don't change on the inside!

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Deep thoughts

While having a conversation with another bariatric patient the other day I realized something.  People who are addicted to cigarettes can stop smoking and never have to smoke again, people who are alcoholics can stop drinking alcohol and not have to drink again, but people who have eating disorders can never stop eating, in order to nourish our bodies we have to eat.  We have to dabble in our addiction everyday.  I am not discounting nicotine or alcohol addiction, I know first hand that quitting cigarettes is not easy, but I know it can be done.  I also know that overcoming my food addiction can  be done, but because I have to eat it is a very scary walk on a tight rope.  On one hand I have to get enough vitamins and minerals to stay healthy, but I have to satisfy my taste buds too.  Today was particularly complicated for me.  I walked out of the house without my lunch bag.  By the time I realized it I was too far away from home to turn back to pick it up and still get to work on time.  I had to depend on the cafeteria to have something that was OK for me to eat.  Not something I like to leave to chance.  I did OK, but was disappointed with what they had to offer.  For working in a hospital, our cafeteria does not offer many good choices.  Pizza is out of the question, sandwiches are also a no-no. Hot dogs have no nutritional value and hamburgers too fatty.  Cottage cheese and a half a cup of soup was what I chose today.  Not exactly what I wanted on a 90+ degree day, but it filled me up and gave me protein.  I hope I don't sound like I am complaining, I'm not!  I will never regret my decision to give myself the gift of health, I just wish that when I make the mistake of forgetting my lunch I had some better choices in our cafeteria.

Friday, June 3, 2011


Unstoppable, that is my new mantra.  That is how I feel.  I was told today that I look 10 years younger.  I feel 10 years younger.  Yesterday was my last visit with Dr. Fourman.  He had nothing but good things to say.  unfortunately, since my appointment was at 9 am and that is my usual workout time I had to skip my workout.  Don't get me wrong, I am no exercise junkie!  In fact I really dislike going to the gym, but I know it is the only way to tone up the flab as I lose the weight.  I decided that since I missed my workout yesterday I should go for a walk tonight.  As I got ready to go, Kari asked if she could come with me.  Of course I knew it would slow me down a bit, but it is important to include her in my exercise routine so she gets the right message.  Then Brooke said that she wanted to go.  I told her if she would ride in the stroller that I would be happy to push her.  Then Zeke said "well if they are going to go I guess I will go too."  By that time Tim decided that he and the dog should come along too.  So the VanOchten's set out on their walk.  Living right on the river walk is quite handy for a family stroll.  Once we hit the river walk I started to jog.  Yes, you heard it right...I started to jog.  Now it didn't last a long time, but I did it.  Brooke squealed.  Tim said that he hadn't seen me do that in years (if memory serves me correctly it has been about 13 years to be exact.) and he said he was so proud of me.  I don't know what go into me, I just felt like jogging.  I keep waiting to wake up from this dream and discover that I haven't really come this far, but then I pinch myself and realize that this is really my life and I am really doing this.  If you would have told me last year at this time that I would achieve this I would have told you that you were nuts.  Now I know that I am in control and I have the power to change my life and my relationship with food.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

noticing small changes.

I am amazed every day when I notice even just the smallest changes.  Today when I got to work I had to park out in the last parking spot.  This is nothing new; going in at 11 makes it hard to find an up close parking spot.  The courtesy van was stalking me today.  The courtesy van circles the parking lot so that patient's families don't have to walk so far.  They will often pick up employees as well.  Today I sat in my car and waited for the van to drive away and he didn't drive away.  When I got out of my car he motioned for me to get in.  I waved him off and walked in.  It was a beautiful day and I needed the exercise.  I know that 2 months ago I would have taken that ride and would have actually hoped and prayed that the courtesy van would have been there to pick me up.  Don't get me wrong if it had been raining I would have taken a ride in a New York minute, sugar melts and I don't want to take any chances.  I have been taking the stairs down more often and I try to walk up at least 1 flight every day.  I am 3 lbs away from my next goal and I am working hard to get there.  Tomorrow will be a sad day for me.  My last visit with Dr. Fourman.  His last day is Friday.  I am so sad that he won't be here to see the end result of his handy work and my hard work.  I am just greatful that I had the opportunity to under go this transformation.  I couldn't have done it without him!