Nearly 2 years

It's been nearly 2 years since I've had my surgery.  So many changes have occurred and I'm not even sure if I can believe all of the changes that I have made in my life.  I still feel so fortunate to have been able to realize this dream.  I have dropped nearly 180 lbs.  I have shrunk from a size 30 (5X) to a size 14 (XL).  I have gained so much confidence that it is almost scary.  I have never been a shy person, but now there is almost no limit to the things that I will let myself try.

In October I was able to fly to Florida with my family to go to Disney.  I was able to purchase just one seat for myself.  Two years ago I would have been forced to get two seats due to my size.  I was able to walk all day through any park that I wanted to.  I was able to ride which ever ride I wanted to go on with my children.  I was able to create memories that only 2 years ago I thought would be impossible to have.  This has given me so much happiness!!

There are other things that have occurred since I have had my surgery that affect other members of my family.  After seeing my success, my dad made the difficult decision to have the sleeve done.  He is 6 months out from his procedure and has lost 128 lbs!!  I am so happy for him and so proud of him!  Without knowing it he is giving me and my family a gift.  He is giving us a chance to spend more time with him and he is giving himself a better quality of life.

I am still losing weight very slowly.  I am starting to plan my reconstructive surgery.  I have to stabilize my weight for 12 to 18 months and then I will be able to have the old stretched out, loose skin removed.  I am nervous to have this done, but excited at the same time.

I think the most exciting thing that has happened recently is the call I received 2 days ago.  I was asked by my hospital to do a testimonial about my bariatric success.  I will be featured in advertisements and literature promoting the program.  I feel very honored to be asked to do this.  I will keep you posted!!

Another dream realized!

I should have posted this earlier this week when it first happened, but as you know I am a procrastinator.  I rode my bike on Tuesday for the first time in about 10 years.  I didn't go far, but I had to see if I could do it.  It's just like they say "it's just like riding a bike.  Once you learn you never forget how."  I couldn't believe how easy it seemed.  I started out slowly and worked my way up.  It was exhilarating!  I felt free.  I felt younger.  I felt healthy.  I decided right then and there that I was going to ride my bike every chance I got.  Tonight I went again.  I went farther this time.  To the community center and back.  I am looking forward to riding at least 3 or 4 times a week until the weather is no longer agreeable. 
This was a big deal to me, but I didn't realize what a big deal this was to my daughters.  Last night they went and got their hair cut.  We have been going to Stefanie for 15 years and we know each other well.  The girls couldn't wait to tell Stephanie that "Momma went for a bike ride!!"  They were so excited for me.  They are both looking forward to going with me for a bike ride.  Hopefully we can go together as a family this weekend. 
I still can't believe how much my life has changed.  I notice people treat me differently.  I feel so good and I really can't believe that I wasted all those years like I did.  Getting healthy has been the best gift that I have ever been given.  I thank Dr. Fourman every day for giving me the tools and the opportunity to live the life that I am living now.

Today I met another personal goal

This journey has been about setting goals and reaching them little by little.  I am 9 pounds away from my next weight goal, but today I reached another goal.  This goal is not a number related goal, most of my goals are number related.  This is a personal goal.  Something that I haven't been able to do in so many years that I can't even remember the last time I was able to do this.  Today I was able to buy a pair of capris and a t shirt in the ladies department!!!!!  The ladies department, not the women's department, not the plus size department, the average sized ladies department.  Granted I had to buy the biggest size that they offer (16 capris and XL top), but it was in the ladies department.  It was just a short time ago, 16 months to be exact, that I had to buy the largest size that Fashion Bug offered (size 30 pants and 4x top).  I am in awe as I put this outfit on.  I didn't try it on in the store.  I was afraid to.  I was afraid that if it didn't fit I would cry and I was afraid that if it did fit I would scream.  I brought my bag home and set it aside for 2 hours, but curiosity got the best of me and I had to try it on.  I can't believe my eyes as I look in the mirror!!  I am actually becoming an average sized woman.  I never thought that I would be average sized again.  I'm still struggling with a distorted body image, but I think my mind is starting to catch up with my body.  This feels amazing!!  I am so thankful that I had the courage to take this journey!  This is truly an extreme make over!

It's been 1 year

It's been 1 year and I'm down 137 pounds.  I have so much energy and I get so much more done.  I am still losing weight, but it is coming off much slower these days.  I'm ok with that...it's still coming off.  I cannot believe the change in me.  Not only how much different my body looks, but how much better I feel and how much more confidence I have.  It is said that I am sassier than I was before, I'm not sure that that is even possible. I was looking at the pictures I have taken over the past year and I am amazed.  While I will never forget being as big as I was it almost doesn't seem real.

Been too long

February has swept in and I realize that it has been such a long time since I have blogged.  I continue to steadily lose weight.  My skin is sagging in places that I never imagined I would have sagging skin, but I consider this sagging skin a temporary badge of accomplishment.  I say temporary because I know through toning I will be able to correct some of this and what I cannot correct through toning I will have surgically corrected when the time is right, if necessary.  Even if I must keep this extra skin, it is better than the fat that I have been carrying around for 15+ years.  My son commented a few days ago that even the skin on my arms (the skin that I call "granny bat wings") seems to be going away a little bit.  It is so exciting to hear my kids notice things like this.  My 8 year old daughter hugs me now and is able to wrap her arms around my body and her fingers touch for the first time in her whole life.  She is ecstatic by this seemingly small accomplishment.  My 4 year old daughter looks at the pictures that I have taken along the way and says "remember when you looked like that mom?", like it was a long time ago.  I find it hard to believe that it hasn't even been a year yet and I have come this far!
    Today I got down on my hands and knees and scrubbed my kitchen floor.  This seems like an ordinary, mundane task.  But believe me this isn't ordinary to me!  I haven't been able to do it for years.  I have relied on my wonderful husband to do tasks like this for me.  Bless his heart, he always did it and NEVER complained.  Today I felt quite accomplished.  Not only did I scrub the floor on my hands and knees I didn't struggle to get back up.  This is another milestone that I have passed!  The last 10 months have gone by so fast and I don't feel like it has been hard work.  It is only a short chapter in a lifelong journey.

Staying on track!

It has been a long time since I have posted anything!  I just want to report that I have been staying on track.  I saw Dr. Smith on Thursday and he was very pleased with my progress.  I have lost 25 pounds since I have seen him last.  He is very excited about my progress.  I have to admit I am too!!  I am starting to shrink out of all of my clothes again, but that is OK.  I know that they make more and soon I will be able to buy clothes from nearly any store I go into.  No more shopping exclusively at Fashion Bug or Lane Bryant!  That will feel sooo good!!!  I still can't believe how much my body has changed and how much the decision to have this surgery has changed my life!  I seriously wish I had done it 10 years ago.  It is a little weird for me because I still see the body I had before I lost all of this weight.  I really have to stand still and concentrate on what is really there, not what my mind still sees.  I know it will take time and I know my brain will catch up with the rest of me.  I can't wait.  For now I will have to settle for putting the pictures of my progress side by side.

Happy Thursday!!!  Today I am happy to report that the scale says I am 113 pounds lighter than I was 7 months  ago.  If you would have told me in March or April of this year that I would be 113 pounds down by October I would have laughed very loudly!!  But it is true.  When I got dressed this morning I put on the top that I wore to my birthday party that was held August 27th.  I can see such a difference in the way that it fits.  I thought it fit really well the night of my party, but wearing it today I feel much more comfortable in it.

I see Dr. Smith again next month.  He will be so pleased to see my continued progress.  I am slowly getting back to exercising since my gall bladder surgery.  Went for a long walk yesterday and am planning to go a little further today.  I am really beginning to enjoy my walks.  It gives me a little alone time and I know I am doing something positive for my health.  

100 pounds of flab off my frame, 100 pounds of flab...

So, I have hit the 100 pound mark!  Unfortunately, with that goal reached my gall bladder had to come out.  Wow, am I ever sore!!  Slowly but surely I am recovering.  The key word here is slowly!

I was getting ready to go to my son's football game.  I went and grabbed a pair of jeans off of my pile of clean clothes and put them on.  Imagine my surprise when I pulled them up and went to zip them up and realized that I was holding on to about 8 inches of extra material.  I was shocked!  I'm saving those pants.  Not because I will ever be able to wear them again, but because they represent how far I have come.  I put them on for my family later that night and we had a good laugh!

Lucky for me, my friend Chrys had given me boxes of clothing that she has shrunken out of.  I have casual clothes that fit again!  It is such a crazy feeling.  I pull clothes out of the totes that she has given me and I hold them up and say there is NO WAY I'm going to fit into that. But I put them on and they zip without any struggle.  I put on tops that aren't rolling up or too short so my belly button sticks out.  I still can't believe that this is MY body!  I sometimes wake up expecting that I have been dreaming and am back up to the heaviest weight I have ever been.  Every day that I wake up feeling that way I pinch myself just to make sure that it is real life.  So far, It's been real life and I like it!

I started a new friendship recently.  A lady that had her surgery yesterday!!  I am happy to report that all went well for her and she is on her way to her new life.  I love being able to be supportive to someone who is following the same path that I have been on.  It makes me stay focused on my journey while feeling like I am lending a hand to a friend in need.  I think I might take some public speaking classes so that I can share my experience, my excitement and my enthusiasm with others.  Not that I have any trouble talking in front of a group, I don't.  I think just that with a little coaching I could be very motivational.  Funny where life can take you when you have the confidence and the knowledge!

91 pounds, yes I said 91 pounds!!

I wanted to blog this once I hit 90, but ATT made it impossible because they were having issues in my neighborhood and couldn't fix it in a timely manner.  I was without internet for 7 days!!
  I can't believe I have lost 91 pounds!!!  That is 1/4 of my starting weight.  So now you can calculate just how much I weighed before I had my surgery.  I am so proud of me, but at the same time I am ashamed that I ever let myself get to that point.
 I have finally gone shopping and gotten myself some new scrubs.  I was at the point where my tops were so big I was getting caught on door knobs.  One of my supervisors actually stapled the excess material together so I didn't look so ridiculous. Once she did that I realized just how big my clothes really were.  I am having a little trouble adjusting to the new clothes because I have worn big baggy things for so long. I find that I am constantly pulling and tugging at my clothes.  It will take time for me to get used to wearing clothes that actually fit. For so long when I felt uncomfortable in my clothes I would just get a bigger size.  Those days are over!!  When I start feeling uncomfortable in my clothes now it will probably mean it's time to get smaller ones.  I am so looking forward to reaching the big 1 0 0 !!!  I know it's just around the corner...

85 pounds

85 pounds have fallen off of this frame of mine.  I feel good and I know that I still have a long way to go.  I as happy with my progress.  What I really need to do is start walking again or get back to the gym.  I know it is the key to continuing on this journey and doing as well as I was before.  I have a treadmill in the basement that looks like I have been using it for a closet.  I guess it's time for me to get that under control and get to stepping.

Been too long

It's  been way too long since I've blogged!  We just got back from vacation. We went to Mackinaw City, Michigan and stayed for 6 days.  What a wonderful time.  The weather was beautiful and we couldn't have asked for better service.  The hard part was choosing the right foods.  We ate out for nearly every meal and everything looked delicious.  But all in all I still lost weight.  I am down a total of 76 pounds.(that is almost as much as both of my daughters weigh together!!!)  I think if I had been home and able to eat my regular food at my regular times I would be down a little more, but I am thankful that I  am where I am.  It seems so unreal that I have lost this much weight.  I still have a hard time believing that I have lost it.  I still see myself as I was at my largest (I can't believe I am saying this out loud again, but I was up to 357pounds!!).  I can't look at a pair of pants or any other article of clothing, for that matter, and judge correctly if it will fit or not.  I think that was the hardest thing about packing for vacation.  I used to know what fit and I was just able to throw it in the suitcase and go.  This time I had to try everything on before we went. something I noticed while we were on vacation: I still turn sideways to fit through places where I will clearly fit through just passing through normally, I guess it will just take time to get used to it.  After all, it has only been 4 months since my surgery.

Next goal

I am 1, count it, 1 lousy pound away from my next goal.  I say lousy pound because I want to be at 70 pounds lost!  I'm so happy that the scale has started moving again.  I knew it would, but it is frustrating when it doesn't move for a while.   I have lost 69 pounds since I started this journey.  I feel so much better.  I imagine I look better too.  Although I probably look rather ridiculous sometimes since my scrubs are 2 or 3 sizes too big now.  Even my shoes are fitting differently.  I don't mind, I know how far I have come.
Today I ran into someone I haven't seen in 3 or 4 months.  She asked me when I colored my hair.  She said that  she really likes it dark.  I just laughed to myself because my hair has been the same color for about 4 or 5 years.  I know she didn't know that I have had the surgery and that I have lost almost 70 pounds.  It is amazing how different I look and that some people notice it right away and other people don't notice it at all.  I have actually have had people walk right past me and not recognize me until I say something and they recognize my voice.  I find that very amusing.

stressed and depressed

Today I feel lousy.  It is only the 2nd time since my surgery that I have felt this bad.  The first time I felt like this it was determined that I was dehydrated and had over worked myself.  It has been very busy at work this week and I have not been able to eat when I needed to.  It is a very delicate line that I walk every day.  I have to eat about every 2 to 3 hours and if I don't, I feel terrible.  I try to plan accordingly, by eating just before I get to work so that I can get through to about 1:00 or 1:30.  Then I can get through til 4:30 for a quick break and by the time I get home I can eat again.  I don't enjoy eating that many times a day, but it is necessary.  When I am unable to stay on schedule my whole system is off and I feel sick.  Just one day of being off will take me 5 or 6 days to recover.  Yesterday there was a period of 5 hours between meals.  By the time I ate I was feeling shaky and weak and I couldn't think straight.  Today I am still feeling weak and I am so tired.  I can't wait til Friday so that I can have a few days of to rest, relax and take care of myself.  I am in need of a long vacation.  The good thing is I can see a light at the end of the tunnel.  We are planning a week in Mackinaw City at the end of July.  I cannot wait!!

Another goal reached

I was nervously awaiting this goal.  The scale was not cooperating.  Truthfully, I was over-anxious and was weighing myself every day.  Sometimes twice a day.  I know this is not what I am supposed to do,  Dr. Fourman told me that I should only weigh myself once a month, but I couldn't help myself!  I was a woman obsessed!  I had a "magic number" in mind and I had to come in just below it.  Yesterday was the day I stepped on the scale and I was 4 pounds under this "magic number"! I was so happy!!  I made it to this goal right in the middle of  graduation partypalooza.

I have been to  several parties since my surgery and I thought it would be very difficult to make it through  them, but honestly it was much easier than I thought it would be.  I think I am finally starting to have the right kind of relationship with food.  I eat to live and I have stopped living to eat.

My next goal is to stop being so nervous about how I am changing.  I am so happy about the way I am changing on the outside, but I am so scared that I am going to lose the person I am on the inside.  I use comedy as a defense mechanism and as a coping mechanism.  I like being the "funny" one, but I am afraid that I will lose my wit and sense of humor.  I remember that in high school I was described as "the happy little fat girl."  I don't know if I am ready to stop being who I am today.  I hope I don't change on the inside!

Deep thoughts

While having a conversation with another bariatric patient the other day I realized something.  People who are addicted to cigarettes can stop smoking and never have to smoke again, people who are alcoholics can stop drinking alcohol and not have to drink again, but people who have eating disorders can never stop eating, in order to nourish our bodies we have to eat.  We have to dabble in our addiction everyday.  I am not discounting nicotine or alcohol addiction, I know first hand that quitting cigarettes is not easy, but I know it can be done.  I also know that overcoming my food addiction can  be done, but because I have to eat it is a very scary walk on a tight rope.  On one hand I have to get enough vitamins and minerals to stay healthy, but I have to satisfy my taste buds too.  Today was particularly complicated for me.  I walked out of the house without my lunch bag.  By the time I realized it I was too far away from home to turn back to pick it up and still get to work on time.  I had to depend on the cafeteria to have something that was OK for me to eat.  Not something I like to leave to chance.  I did OK, but was disappointed with what they had to offer.  For working in a hospital, our cafeteria does not offer many good choices.  Pizza is out of the question, sandwiches are also a no-no. Hot dogs have no nutritional value and hamburgers too fatty.  Cottage cheese and a half a cup of soup was what I chose today.  Not exactly what I wanted on a 90+ degree day, but it filled me up and gave me protein.  I hope I don't sound like I am complaining, I'm not!  I will never regret my decision to give myself the gift of health, I just wish that when I make the mistake of forgetting my lunch I had some better choices in our cafeteria.

Unstoppable!

Unstoppable, that is my new mantra.  That is how I feel.  I was told today that I look 10 years younger.  I feel 10 years younger.  Yesterday was my last visit with Dr. Fourman.  He had nothing but good things to say.  unfortunately, since my appointment was at 9 am and that is my usual workout time I had to skip my workout.  Don't get me wrong, I am no exercise junkie!  In fact I really dislike going to the gym, but I know it is the only way to tone up the flab as I lose the weight.  I decided that since I missed my workout yesterday I should go for a walk tonight.  As I got ready to go, Kari asked if she could come with me.  Of course I knew it would slow me down a bit, but it is important to include her in my exercise routine so she gets the right message.  Then Brooke said that she wanted to go.  I told her if she would ride in the stroller that I would be happy to push her.  Then Zeke said "well if they are going to go I guess I will go too."  By that time Tim decided that he and the dog should come along too.  So the VanOchten's set out on their walk.  Living right on the river walk is quite handy for a family stroll.  Once we hit the river walk I started to jog.  Yes, you heard it right...I started to jog.  Now it didn't last a long time, but I did it.  Brooke squealed.  Tim said that he hadn't seen me do that in years (if memory serves me correctly it has been about 13 years to be exact.) and he said he was so proud of me.  I don't know what go into me, I just felt like jogging.  I keep waiting to wake up from this dream and discover that I haven't really come this far, but then I pinch myself and realize that this is really my life and I am really doing this.  If you would have told me last year at this time that I would achieve this I would have told you that you were nuts.  Now I know that I am in control and I have the power to change my life and my relationship with food.

noticing small changes.

I am amazed every day when I notice even just the smallest changes.  Today when I got to work I had to park out in the last parking spot.  This is nothing new; going in at 11 makes it hard to find an up close parking spot.  The courtesy van was stalking me today.  The courtesy van circles the parking lot so that patient's families don't have to walk so far.  They will often pick up employees as well.  Today I sat in my car and waited for the van to drive away and he didn't drive away.  When I got out of my car he motioned for me to get in.  I waved him off and walked in.  It was a beautiful day and I needed the exercise.  I know that 2 months ago I would have taken that ride and would have actually hoped and prayed that the courtesy van would have been there to pick me up.  Don't get me wrong if it had been raining I would have taken a ride in a New York minute, sugar melts and I don't want to take any chances.  I have been taking the stairs down more often and I try to walk up at least 1 flight every day.  I am 3 lbs away from my next goal and I am working hard to get there.  Tomorrow will be a sad day for me.  My last visit with Dr. Fourman.  His last day is Friday.  I am so sad that he won't be here to see the end result of his handy work and my hard work.  I am just greatful that I had the opportunity to under go this transformation.  I couldn't have done it without him!

I passed 50 lbs today!

I haven't written anything in this blog lately.  I'll be honest.  I overheard some negative things being said about me.  I was angry and hurt at first, but I remembered why I was writing this blog and what was important.  I write this blog for me and I am what is important.  Maybe that sounds selfish, but that is how I really feel.  If people aren't interested and don't want to read this then they are free to skip it.  I write this blog as a form of therapy for me I am changing in so many ways.

I am so proud of myself!!!  Today I got on the scale and realized that I have passed the 50 lb. mark!  I have lost 51 lbs.  That is as much as my 7 year old weighs.  It is amazing, I look at my daughter and see exactly how much weight I have lost.  I have lost an entire small person.  I wrote in the questionnaire, prior to my surgery, that I wanted to lose 50 lbs. by 6 months  post-op.  That is so unbelievable!  I have surpassed my 6 month goal in only 6 weeks. 

My clothes are baggy and I look like I have baggy butt in my jeans, but I am so proud of myself.  I am discovering that I have some old shirts that I grew out of.  I am shrinking back into them.  I can't wait to get out my summer clothes and see what I cannot wear this year.  

I took the stairs!

Tonight I was invited to sit in the Three Rivers Corp. suite at the Loons game.  The box is located on the 3rd floor.  There is an elevator right before you get to the stairs, but today I chose to take the stairs.  I made it and didn't feel like I was going to have a heart attack.  I am just amazed!  Unfortunately, the loons lost tonight, but I really feel like I won.  I also walked the long way around to the stadium.  I parked across the street and I could have cut across he grass, but I chose to take the sidewalk, which was the long way.  I really can't believe that I am choosing to use the stairs and walk the long way, but I know it is the best thing I can do for myself.  I worked a 12 hour shift today and I felt great!  I can really feel the benefits of this surgery.  I am so glad that I did this.  I also can't thank Dr. Fourman enough.  Had I not gotten to know him I don't know if I would have had the courage to give this gift to myself.